Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
