how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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