Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
