Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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