i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
im on a boat
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