i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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