yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
