found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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