I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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