Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
