I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize