just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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