textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
