I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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