In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
