I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
