Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize