He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
