cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
