Don't make out with my wife yet
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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