I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
