My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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