You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
