3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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