3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
from now on my penis is your penis
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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