Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
