I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
