I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
