I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize