maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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