you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
