I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
