do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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