I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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