PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
