what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
