Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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