Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
