i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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