i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
