Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
