And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
there is glitter all over my balls
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
