Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
