Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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