i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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