I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
