I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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