They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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