True but thats because hes a fetus.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
