All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize