I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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