The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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