i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
