Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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