doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How does one acquire holy water?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
