ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
