I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
