You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Randomize
