I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
