I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
