Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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