Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
