When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
