Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
